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Wednesday, December 30, 2009 PROSPECTIVE PROJECT Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Wednesday, July 01, 2009 SOMEDAY SOMEWHERE SOMETHING THE END Good day !. Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Friday, June 26, 2009 I WANT YOU BACK Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Wednesday, June 24, 2009 THIS IS HOW MY HEART BEHAVES Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Saturday, May 09, 2009 I WON'T MAKE YOU Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Thursday, May 07, 2009 WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Sunday, April 19, 2009 TSK TSK Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Friday, January 16, 2009 I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND I'm sorry for your loss... and I also wish I could have been at the slam. Anita had told me that your poem rocked the house, and now I can see why. Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Monday, January 05, 2009 GAZA -- READ UP ON IT Oh pegah, I liked your little parenthetical statements. Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] Monday, December 29, 2008 ONE MORE TIME -- VOTE PLEASE Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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NAME : pegah
EMAIL : antaresatrox@yahoo.com
ABOUT : Iranian. Vegetarian. Loves: writing, photography, film, music, guitar/piano/ukulele.
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6:46 AM
Wow. I have been failing at updating lately! Anyway, I finally forced myself to write something tonight. I wrote it while half asleep, so don't judge. I'm trying to decide if I should continue it and make it a longer story (probably novella-ish in length), or if I should just give up now. I have a few ideas of what to do with the plot, but this is obviously a very rough beginning. I would really appreciate some feedback!
UNTITLED PROSE
It was winter and I was not used to driving in the snow. Horror stories of cars skidding across black ice and careening into trees kept replaying in my mind as I tried to navigate the slippery, winding road through the mountains. I didn’t know what black ice looked like, or if you could even see it, so I was entrusting my life to the four-wheel drive of my rented SUV. Niku was meowing angrily in her carrier and making unpleasant gulping noises every time the car lurched over a bump in the road. I cursed with every fiber of my being whoever decided to build a fucking town up here, and my great aunt for choosing to spend the rest of her days there.
I finally made my way through the canyon and the mountains shortly after darkness had fallen, and the terrain began to flatten out a bit. I was entering Heber City, where my great aunt Dina had been living for the last eleven years. She, for whatever reason, whole-heartedly believed that the mountain air was “rejuvenating,” and chose to stay in Heber City, of all places, long after the rest of our family had moved to California. As it turned out, that mountain air had done nothing to prevent her from getting a cancer that doctors discovered too late to cure.
Niku, who continued to meow incessantly, was relentless. She had done much travelling in her life but never seemed to get used to it. Nevertheless, I wasn’t prepared to spend two and a half months alone with Aunt Dina, who was more or less a stranger and a famously grouchy old lady.
“Sorry Niku. Had to do it,” I said out loud. I sometimes forgot to catch myself before speaking to cats as if they were people.
Not only did Aunt Dina have to live in a small, isolated mountain town, but she apparently had to live on the outskirts of such a place, too. She probably needed to be as close to the mountains as possible, or some other crock of shit like that. After getting slightly lost a few times, I located her cabin at last. From the outside, it looked too big for someone living alone, but it wasn’t enormous either. I remembered the previous and only time I had been there, which had been on a family trip when I was nine. I had liked it then, but probably only because I was allowed to bring my best friend along. This time I only had Niku, who would likely get bored of me as soon as we settled in.
Not wanting to make two trips, I somehow managed to grab hold of my luggage, Niku’s carrier, and my guitar case all at once. I hoped to God I didn’t slip on the ice.
I rang the doorbell and realized for the first time I was nervous.
As I stood on the doorstop for what seemed like an obscenely long time, I watched as my breath turned to fog and my nose and fingers turned to ice. I rang it again just to be sure, but as soon as I did, the door opened.
“Don’t be rude! Jesus, I was right here,” said Aunt Dina, clearly very irritated by my impatience. She looked about as excited to see me as I was to see her. After greeting me (albeit uncongenially), she looked me up and down added gruffly, “Oh, you brought a cat. Make sure it doesn’t piss on my things.”
I assured her that Niku was completely litter box trained, but she was no longer paying attention. “Put your stuff in there,” she said, already halfway down the hall with her arm pointing at what I assumed would be my room. I darted into the bedroom and set everything down, including Niku, who began meowing loudly again as I headed into the kitchen after Aunt Dina.
“This is the kitchen, obviously,” she said once I caught up to her. She moved amazingly fast for someone who walked so slowly (and, as it seemed, half-heartedly). “I have chicken and beef in the fridge, but not much else.”
I chimed in that I was a vegetarian. This seemed to increase her annoyance with me.
“No meat? What about fish?”
“Fish is meat,” I said.
“Oh, well if you change your mind, I have fish, too. And broccoli. Otherwise you can go to the market tomorrow.”
This was a huge let down; I hadn’t eaten all day, but I guess I have a pretty high tolerance for hunger, so I ignored it.
Niku was still meowing in the other room.
“Oh, Niku eats chicken!” I said, realizing she was probably hungry too.
“Who?” Aunt Dina asked.
“My cat.”
Dina rolled her eyes. I hate when people roll their eyes at my cat. I just hate it.
“Go ahead, I made some for lunch today. Give it as much as you want,” she said. She turned away as if to take her leave for the living room, which still had the TV turned on from before she answered the door, but she stopped. “Now, listen. I know your mother sent you here to help me, but as I tried to tell her, I really don’t need any help. All I need is for you to go out to the store every once in a while, fill my prescriptions, maybe do some cleaning up – that kind of stuff. In return I’m supposed to keep an eye on you, which I’m sure you already knew.”
I tried to respond, to end the conversation, but she continued.
“There’s a reason I moved up here: I like my solitude. Just keep that in mind. And I really don’t care much for cats, so just make sure it doesn’t piss on my things. That’s all I ask.”
With that, she headed straight for an armchair positioned comfortably in front of the television and planted herself firmly in it. “Goodnight,” she said over the noise of the TV.
I wanted nothing more than to go right back to the airport, despite all the snow, but instead I just grabbed a plate full of chicken for Niku and went into my room.
The room, like all others in the cabin, had wooden walls, a gray shag carpet, and vaulted ceilings. The bed seemed comfortable enough, for which I was enormously grateful, and there was even a small bathroom attached to the side. It didn’t seem like it would be too difficult to keep to myself in here for the next ten weeks, but I thought I’d better invest in snacks and a small TV just in case. I was fully aware that this was exactly the kind of thing my parents would not want me to spend my quarter off from school doing, but I didn’t care. How dare they tell Aunt Dina to “keep an eye” on me?
I suddenly became enraged at my mother for sending me here. A wave of uncontrollable anger overtook me, making me wish she was there just so I could have someone to yell at. Dina was not nearly as sick as she had made her sound, and I was as unwanted here as I was at home, only fifty times more alone and bored. How was this supposed to be good for me?
I fed Niku, unpacked my things, and laid down in an effort to calm my nerves. I tried to tell myself that this wouldn’t be so bad, and that I just had to be positive, and so on. I tried to remind myself that I was just being stupid, angsty, and self-absorbed.
Nobody had called yet to see if I made it alive, not even my dad, who seemed to call constantly except for when I really needed someone to talk to. Just then, my cell phone buzzed. It was a text message from Arvin.
“God dammit,” I muttered to myself.
If there was anything worse than getting no calls at all, it was getting a text message from Arvin.
It read: “Hey, are you in town tonight? ;)”
I decided not to respond. The last time I had actually seen Arvin was over a year ago. He had insisted that we catch up over coffee, as old high school friends, but I knew something was up, as it always was with Arvin. I didn’t even like him or anything. I guess I was just bored.
We did in fact get coffee, but this was followed immediately by his forcing himself on me and shoving his hands clumsily into my pants. I yelled at him to stop. When he finally did, he gave me a pleading look and said, “Come on, we’re both desperate, aren’t we?”
He always knew how to make me feel good about myself. Since then, Arvin had continued to send me text messages at random hours of the night and at random intervals of time, seemingly undiscouraged by my continued rejection. He always acted like we had had a very good time together.
I don’t know why I let such pigs continue to talk to me.
With my anger toward my mother slowly diminishing and being redirected to idiot boys like Arvin, I gradually managed to fall asleep under the handmade quilts, dark wooden roofs, and snowy skies of Heber City, Utah.
-----70 Comments:
12:42 AM
SOMEDAY SOMEWHERE SOMETHING THE END
You are gone and
we will all someday
be gone too like
a Beatle or now
Michael Jackson.
Someday everyone in
this crowd will be –
she, with the man trying
to sell her something, or
he, with the song stuck
in his head, or
you, or
you, with your eyes on me and
your mind somewhere else, or
you with your
postpartum depression and,
you’re off in some
far away place, you,
mother looking
down at her baby saying
fea
fea
fea
over and over again,
despite her
banana split lips and her
cherry pie nose and her
chocolate chip eyes you say
fea
fea
fea
again and again until
it’s true.
You, too will be gone
someday, and your
donut-hole baby too.
And these clocks all
around us which
serve only to warn us
of our impending doom
are, too, reminding themselves:
tick, tock
tick, tock
we will all
soon be just small
components of big
piles of trash somewhere, in
some distant landfill.
Tick, tock
soon, soon.
Tick, tock,
where is your donut-hole baby now?
Did she grow up and
become an actress and
move to California, where
every time you make a
left turn there’s a
palm tree looking over
a bright plastic blue
swimming pool?
Did your hatred for her
pass,
or did it grow and grow
until it became a
festering, cancerous tumor?
And you,
did you ever find
that note I left in your
car, the
one with the secret I
couldn’t say out loud?
And did you read it and
think to yourself,
“My, this isn’t poetic
at all,”
then proceed to check your
watch
and remember you were late
for…
for something, it doesn’t
matter.
Something to distract yourself
from thinking about
the inevitable end to
all this:
going to work
poker games
watching TV
sleeping
eating
dieting
Grandma
getting married
getting around
a new mosquito bite every day of the hot summer
building a life for yourself.
And now you’re
wondering how long it
will take for me to
say it because,
damnit, you don’t have
all the time in the
world! You
only have
76 years, give or take
a few, depending on
your diet and
your health and
do you smoke?
And to this I say:
you could learn a
thing or two from an
abrupt ending.1 Comments:
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2:57 AM
Michael Jackson passed away today. RIP.
I WANT YOU BACK
When I had you to myself
I didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you from the bunch
one glance was all it took
Now it's much too late for me to take a second look
Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
MP3s:
>I Want You Back - Jackson 50 Comments:
5:41 AM
Haven't written anything in a long time. Here it is!
HEARTBURN
This
old man he
rifles through the phonebook looking
for the number that calls
911.
This
old withered finger presses
slowly on the inward sloping
buttons and enters three numbers,
carefully, softly.
9.
1.
1.
This
old papery set of lips
strains itself, taking
eons to
convolute itself into the
strange shapes that
spell out the words:
“You had better send a
fire truck, because
my heart is on
fire.”
And he waits patiently,
in agony,
fingers folded together like
curled up worms dying in the heat
while the
acid crawls up his esophagus
and burns
and burns
and burns.
Yet he waits, silent
as a stillborn baby,
for that fire truck to
come.
And if worse comes to worst
if push comes to shove
if every last bit of him shrivels up into nothing and
his hairs all fall out one by one and
his liver spots grow to cover his whole face and
gravity pulls his skin down to the floor and
time takes from him his last laugh and last
breath of air
because that damn fire truck never came,
he thinks,
would that be so bad?
Because the horror of it is that
heartburn
is a disease that
doesn’t kill you, just
hurts like hell till you’re
dead.
So this
old man he
sits and he waits
for his insides to burn up and
turn to ash, and
for his wife to come home and
find him dead on that chair and
drop her bags of groceries dramatically and
for his children to grow fat with
inheritance long after he is gone and
for that god damn acid to fall back into
his stomach where it belongs, so
he can finally
get some
sleep.
-----
MP3s:
>How My Heart Behaves - Feist0 Comments:
2:18 AM
Just, :)
That's all.
MP3s:
>Thirteen - Big Star
>I'm in Love with a Girl - Big Star0 Comments:
2:30 AM
TOP FOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THINGS OF THE DAY:
1. K.O. at Home. This is a CD Karen O made for her friend from TV on the Radio a few years back. It's all acoustic songs of hers that were posted online when a fan found the CD. It's really interesting. Click here to download the album. So far my favorite is the third track.
2. My eye make-up today. :D I wish I could get a good picture of it.
3. The beautiful, peaceful weather today. And not going to class to enjoy it (:O Tsk, tsk).
4. Having butterflies in my stomach for a good reason, finally.
TOP ABSOLUTE LEAST FAVORITE THING OF THE DAY:
1. Midterms this week in History of Mexico and Art and Architecture of Islam.
0 Comments:
4:21 AM
The picture above is my friend Dale. I did her makeup and photographed her today with one of my housemates' point-and-shoots (which, no offense to her, isn't very good :(). So I'm actually pretty proud of myself for getting a couple of shots that were nice.
I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again today. It's really interesting to re-watch movies now as a "film student" rather than as just a fan of films. I am so much more impressed with filmmakers now, and so much more doubtful of myself as someone with the potential to be that talented.
Also, I feel kind of bad for not having written anything lately. I just don't know anymore.
P.S. My computer has been very slow lately. Can somebody fix that?
MP3s:
>Peer Pressure (PMM Remix) - Jon Brion [from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soundtrack]
>Bookstore (PMM Remix) - Jon Brion [from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soundtrack]0 Comments:
2:30 AM
I read the first poem at this year's Phoenix Poetry Slam. The second I just wrote. Third item on the agenda is a Radiohead song you've all heard but that I just thought was relevant.
A FUNERAL
“Allahu Akbar.”
God is great.
He is mighty, devine.
Has so many names,
yet is Unnamable.
Allahu Akbar
was the sound of
my uncle dying,
and your father being buried.
And the sound of me loudly declaring:
“I am never going to a Muslim funeral again!”
And it is the sound of your sarcastic voice
the day before, saying,
“My dad would laugh at
all this. He was an avowed
Atheist.”
And it is the feeling in my
gut as I watch you and
your sister and your brother
and my mother
scream out in pain,
wanting to slap god
in the face.
God is great,
so, so great,
He does it all for a reason, you know.
Look, look at your father’s
beautiful cold dead body!
Allahu Akbar, look!
But this Allahu Akbar
is all in Arabic, and
it is not in your language or
my language, but
the language of those who
came and took over for a while
and gave us their religion.
They are shouting Allahu Akbar
but you are shouting, in English,
“This isn’t happening, this can’t
be happening,
TELL ME THIS ISN’T HAPPENING.”
And your sister is fainting and
standing and
charging at the hole in the ground where he is
while we
hold her back, in Farsi.
And in Farsi we are all crying,
Ay, Khodah.
Oh, God.
We have no more praise for him
who took away the man we
could not say goodbye to
or at least make some connection with, through
a phone call or an acknowledgement
of each other’s existence.
We just say his name,
Almost a question:
Ay, Khodah.
This death is
not the death we hear about
in the Bible or Koran.
He died alone, divorced, estranged from his children.
Smoking killed him, because
he was walking across a
6 lane street to
the gas station across from
his apartment to
buy a pack of cigarettes.
An airport shuttle,
a god damned airport shuttle,
was coming so fast it
did not stop when it saw him
and it hit him into another lane, where
he was hit by another car and
killed.
He left all he had, which
wasn't much,
to you and no one else.
He died alone writing poetry and
fighting and trying and
living, and living, and just
continuing to live,
and still
loving you.
So don’t stay sad,
and don’t cry “Allahu Akbar” either,
because we both know it’s not true.
You will never find God
in this snow and dirt
where his body is buried or
on this mound of earth
we’ve covered in shredded flowers
and rosewater.
His grave is festooned with
our old traditions and
the ugly things about us
that we buried with him.
And what we took with us is
what some call God
but is really
the microcosm of all our pain and love
and doubt and guilt and faith
that is Mourning.
THESIS ON FEUERBACH XI
2:51 is
56 minutes ahead, but
I’m still not tired.
I can start up clubs and
make things and
read Marx but am
still driven to
sleeplessness by a
stupid, pointless thing.
Sleeplessness and lopsidedness
and maintenance men
and awful poetry
and hidden, scornful glances at the talking idiots
and across-the-room,
never-realized,
eye-to-eye
flirtation
are my AM/PM in its entirety, which
defines, displaces, and designates my
hypocrisy, not hypocrisy, hypocrisy,
pillow, egg, chair,
Denial!
That, or just pure
Lament –
with a kind of parenthetical
(Fortinbras hardly ever showed up,
like most men) –
for all that
reeks of
shit
in the world.
-----
MP3s:
>House of Cards - Radiohead1 Comments:
anonionmous said...
2:15 AM
Please read this article: Israeli Forces Push Deeper Into Gaza Strip
Summary: Israel, in response to attacks by Hamas, has invaded Palestine and killed 507 people, many of whom were civilians. Men, women, and children. Only 1 Israeli soldier is reported to have been killed. The U.N. is calling this a "humanitarian crisis" and has pushed to pass an immediate ceasefire. The United States has blocked this ceasefire, even though Cheney stated on Sunday that Israel "didn't seek clearance or approval from us."
Why I am posting this: I don't usually post news or make a big deal out of world events, but this is an issue that has really enraged me for years. There is just no arguing with the facts -- IF THIS IS NOT A MASSACRE, THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. For half a century, Palestinians have been displaced, then forced to live as refugees in what was formerly their own home. Now, I'm not against an Israeli state or anything, because it's too late to abolish the country that has established itself there. What I am against is the BLATANT OPPRESSION of an entire people, and the world's, and in particular the United States', refusal to acknowledge it.
I'm mentioning this event because I think not enough people (especially in my age group) know about this. To me, this isn't a religious or racial issue at all. I'm not horribly pissed off because I hate Jews (which I don't), or because I'm Muslim (which I'm not), or because I identify with Arabs as an Iranian (which, again, I don't). This is a matter of military occupation, a people being forced to live in poor living conditions, and countless civilian deaths over the years. Does this sound like anything familiar? A genocide, perhaps?
MP3s:
>Imagine (John Lennon) vs. Ball of Confusion (the Temptations) vs. Palestine Woman (Jim Morrison) - Team91 Comments:
irene-tang said...
12:40 AM
Hello guys! If you wouldn't mind, I'd greatly appreciate it if you could vote on this photo and the one in my previous post.
To vote, you can click on the photo above, or click here, and vote for it at www.jpgmag.com.
Thank you!0 Comments:
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
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